Tuesday, August 12, 2014

When Love Becomes Weird

“A female friend of mine asked me to address this issue. And so without divulging her identity, I will write a brief explanation of the events she explained to me and offer an opinion on those events. Hopefully this helps those in similar situations.” ---J Jones

So you’ve finally met someone that you believe to be worthwhile. They treat you with respect and give you their attention. They’re romantic in ways you’ve never imagined possible. And although you’ve taken things beyond first base only once, you feel that the time for deep romantic exploration is at hand. You welcome this moment. But there’s just one hang up you have…
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You notice that this individual gives an unhealthy amount of attention to skin color. He goes out of his way to let all of his friends know that you’re African American. He comments constantly on how beautiful your dark skin is. And although he says that this isn’t his first interracial relationship there seems to be a lot of attention being given to your skin color.

But hey, you chalk it up as appreciation. After all, as long as he isn’t calling you anything crazy or derogatory you should be fine, right? So many people talk about the bad things associated with skin color. It’s good to be with someone that gives you wonderful compliments. So you go along for the ride.

But one night things get weird…

Last night you guys ventured beyond second base and were on your way to home plate when he gave you a very strange request. For the sake of our readers we won’t repeat what he said but let’s just say that he had a derogatory name that he wanted you to call him during the heat of passion. And it was hella racial and offensive. You were quiet when the request was demanded and prayed that he would pick up on your discomfort with the request but he didn’t. Instead he asked you more loudly and with a lot more authority. Realizing you weren’t going to get past this thing by pretending to be deaf you relent and fulfilled the verbal request. 

Afterwards as you stared at yourself in the bathroom mirror you felt cheap and dirty. And although this man is everything you wanted, this latest issue throws serious doubt into your ability to continue a relationship with someone who has such strange requests.

What should you do? Should you stay or should you go?

Love and sex are very weird worlds. They often hold secrets within them that have been introduced to us through childhood, societal influence, or good and bad experiences. They are warped worlds and are regularly challenged by common sense thinking.
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But when someone isn’t being honest about why they’re entering a relationship then there is always damage to the other party. Here are a few questions you need to ask yourself if you find yourself in a bad/weird sexual relationship:

1.       Was he honest in the beginning? Let’s be honest for a minute. There is no way that you can know everything about a person if you’ve just started dating them. Sexuality is something that is often discovered and explored with time. But if your partner told you that they like strawberry ice cream and you discover that they actually like chocolate ice cream, there is a disconnect. How honest were they with you? And more importantly, how honest were you with them?

2.       Does his sexuality compromise who you are? Nobody gets everything they want in life. There are some things you have to live with. Romance is no different. When entering the square circle there are some things that people do just to please their partners. Trust me. Love is about giving yourself and less about personal pleasure. But if you have to give up your dignity or self-respect just to please another person, you lose part of who you are. You cannot compromise your values in the quest for love. If you do, what would stop you from compromising your whole being?

3.       Why does this ring his bell? If your man has weird or strange requests you have to ask yourself, why? Is it something from his childhood? Is it something from an experience he had? I hate to be the bearer of bad news here but when entering relationships we all have to get minor degrees in psychology. If you want a healthy relationship, you have to do the work. If this thing rings his bell because he has some mental health issues, you may want to get out or help him find the proper healing he needs.

4.       Will this issue enter his normal way of life? I know plenty of people that go to their 9 to 5 jobs every day and have done the nastiest things during the night. Mostly everyone is guilty of it. But if you begin to notice certain things or nicknames move from the bedroom to an area of your everyday life, you may have a problem.

Basically, love is weird. Different things turn different people on. You have to really ask yourself how much nonsense are you willing to accept and does it compromise who you are as a person? If it does then you need to get out. 

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Masculine Man vs Metrosexual Man

In this day and age positions between men and women are changing. Men no longer hold the perceived domination over their households that they once did. On any day of the week and in any city, you can find the average man in the kitchen cooking dinner while the wife is still at work. Our positions are reversing and that’s mostly a good thing. It’s pushing everyone towards a level playing field.

But let’s face it ladies, when it comes to femininity some of your men are driving strong towards the basket. It’s one thing to empathize with your woman, but it’s another thing to want to become her completely. Some of these men are taking the equality thing too far.
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And yes when it comes to masculinity, some of you women are guilty of this too. Just because you CAN do everything that your man does, do you really NEED to? Who are you trying to impress and why? One minute you’re into getting your nails done and looking pretty for the summer. The next minute you’re all thugged-out with Timberland boots on, sucking on a beer out of the can. Really? Don’t worry, you’re not going to get away Scott-free. I’ll address the ladies in my next post.

But this post is about the men. This is not a challenge to any individual’s lifestyle. Dress how you want, love who you want, do what you feel. If that’s what you’re into, kudos to you. Individuality should be celebrated, not frowned upon. Tolerance is something that the world needs more of.

But I’m not speaking of those individuals. I’m talking about the posers. I’m talking about the men that used to be as masculine as nails, but have now been transformed into walking strawberries.  And they did it all because they thought that’s the man you wanted. I’m speaking directly to the individuals that do things to impress their women, while knowing good and well that isn’t who they are. Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to the fakers.

If you aren’t sure if your man falls into this category, let me help you. These are the 5 ways to tell if your man is too soft.

1.       He gets pedicures and manicures:  Self grooming is a good thing, but come on ladies. Your man has officially become too soft if he’s getting into arguments with you because you accidentally “chipped” his nail. Everyone has heard of the “metrosexual” lifestyle. But if he’s telling you that he can’t cut the grass in the yard because he has an appointment to get his pedicure, he’s officially become too soft.

Solution: Cancel his membership to your salon. Take him by the hand to the nearest mud hole and make him put his hands in. I jest but you’re going to need to do something to get his head back into reality. Make him hang out with the fellas more (although I doubt there are any left if he’s finger painting).

2.       He cries during every argument: I know what the health professionals are going to say about this. “Crying is healthy and should be encouraged.” Yeah…Yeah…Yeah…. When you met your man he wouldn’t even cry during the most gut wrenching movies. You would bawl like a baby while he’d comfort you. Now? He’s crying over any reality TV show or dog food commercial. Forget watching a movie with him. If you do you’re sure you’ll be the one to put your arm around him and tell him everything will be okay. And the arguments? Wow. Any disagreement and he turns on the faucets. Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry was dating the girl who would cry over anything (even the fact that she dropped her hotdog)? That’s what your life is like now with Crybaby Chad. Do yourself a favor and shake him to reality. Tell him how soft he’s gotten. He deserves to know about the disgusting behavior he’s displaying.
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Solution: If he cries, punk him. Laugh at him and get him to see how ridiculous he is. A challenge to a man’s masculinity does wonders. Explain to him (during a peaceful and water-free moment how turned off you are by his crying. Sure, he’ll continue. But you’ll only need a bucket instead of having him flood the house.

3.       Indecisive: Have you ever dated someone and asked them what they wanted to do and they replied, “I don’t care. Whatever YOU want to do.” In the beginning it’s a pretty sweet deal. But after a while it becomes soooooo annoying. And guess what? The man you go home to every night has suddenly become that dude. Oh, you know you hold some of the blame in that. After all, who told him “I just wish we could do some of the things I like sometimes”? And now you have your wish. Deferring David! He couldn’t make up his mind about pickles on a hamburger. You know how bad he’s gotten? Instead of a birthday gift or Christmas gift, didn’t he give you some cash? Wow!

Solution: Get your dummy hat on. If he asks you what to do simply say, “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” But be careful with this one. This can steer you into the land of “I make all of the decisions and my wife loves it”. Use this in moderation. Or if you’re feeling like leveling the playing field, set up an agreement along the lines of “I made the decision the last time. It’s your turn.” That helps (although it requires keeping score).

4.       Wearing Matching Outfits: Okay, I thought I would never see the day when I saw a grown man and woman wearing his and her outfits. Didn’t that play out in 1990’s high school? In fact, I don’t remember seeing it a lot then. So imagine my surprise when I was at the movies and I saw a couple come in rocking the same outfit. What?! Talk about soft! Men and women have different parts of the store that they shop in for a reason. Ladies, if you’ve twisted your man into this stupid practice, go sit in a corner. Now! No man in his right mind wants to walk around looking like the woman is his owner and he’s some obedient poodle in matching clothes. Do yourself a favor and let that man have his space to be who he is.

Solution: In all honesty, it’s usually not the man’s idea to do something like this. It’s usually his woman’s idea. It’s her way of telling every girl within a 2 mile radius that THIS MAN IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. The woman is clearly marking her territory. The solution? Hold up a mirror to your man and simply back away. Once he sees how ridiculous he looks he’ll scream, curse, throw a couple of chairs, and dive into his man cave for an instant transformation. If the mirror doesn’t work just get him the first 2 seasons of The Sopranos. That always does the trick.

5.       Asking For Permission: Okay, nobody’s saying that you shouldn’t communicate with your girlfriend or wife. It’s courteous and it’s respectful. But I once saw a man get on a telephone in the middle of a club and ask his woman if it was okay to drink a beer. Seriously! If your man is coming to you for an allowance instead of working together in an agreed upon budget, he’s soft! If you will allow your mom to stay at your home whenever she feels like it, but your man has to ask for your permission when his mother wants to do the same, he’s soft! When he has to ask you what tie you like or if he can let his friend come over to look at the game, you’ve officially snatched his mother from under her wig and taken her place. Ben Gay smell and all! You’re no longer his woman. You’re his warden.

Solution: Once women have this power, very few will give it up. You own the whip. But you’re also putting yourself in a situation for a power surge. One day he may get tired of all of your controlling ways and he’ll replace you. And here’s the ironic part. With all of your controlling ways you gave HIM PERMISSION TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. The obvious solution is to compromise. You have to let a man be a man. Otherwise, he’ll buck and find someone who is easier to love.

Ladies, if you have a relationship with any of these symptoms, do yourself a favor and correct it. Please do it for yourself and for the rest of the world. These kinds of men are disgusting and pathetic to look at. You’re hurting them beyond belief by allowing such cushy, mushy, goofy behavior. Fix that mistake today.