Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Top 5 Reasons to Kick Your Lover out of Bed

Have you ever watched one of those old television shows on TV Land and you see the husband and wife sleeping in different beds? As a child I was always fascinated with this situation. I found it quite odd that a married couple would sleep in different beds because my mother and father had no qualms with showing their 5 children that they slept together. There were numerous times I burst into my parents’ room unannounced to find my father buried beneath the blankets. And my mother, on most occasions, would be buried in her latest romance novel with her reading glasses perched upon her nose like a boring third grade teacher.  

As time went on I began to subscribe to the theory that most people did. Old television shows were censored because of the low tolerance for sex on impressionable minds. That is the reason most married people slept in different beds on TV. It was stupid, but I accepted those times as being the age of stupid restrictions and left it at that.

But as time progressed and I got older my perception on sleep evolved. I became a 2 bed advocate. What changed my mind? Instead of being alone in a soft quiet space to sleep, my life is dominated by noisy children, a mate, and the immovable presence of the annoying alarm clock. Add to that my smartphone, a television, and you have a situation that includes very little sleep.

It pains me to say this and I’m sure if my mate ever reads this she’ll be furious but….. Sleeping alone in your own bed is drastically better than sleeping with someone else. I mean, it’s not even close! Don’t go calling me retro and thinking I believe in censorship. That couldn’t be further from the truth. But I now believe that those old shows had the right idea. Censorship sucks, but good sleep is awesome!  

Here are the Top 5 Reasons to Kick Your Lover out of Bed:

1.     You get more space and blanket ownership: Most people have large sized beds to avoid this problem and guess what? It still doesn’t work. Somehow your mate will find a way to inch closer to your side. Oh, they’ll tell you it’s affection but the truth is they are wild sleepers and enjoy invading more than sharing. Sometimes you’ll get slapped across the face. Sometimes you’ll wake up with sharp pain in your ribcage (due to the sharp elbow that was thrown at 2am). And blankets? Don’t get me started. No matter how large your comforter or blanket is, someone will always end up with more. Who knows? Maybe you’re the culprit who doesn’t care if your lover freezes their hind parts off. Maybe you and your lover will start out the night sharing the sheet and blanket in equal amounts and then ultimately the linen ends up on the floor with both of you missing out. This one is very annoying folks.

2.     Sounds, odors, and etiquette: I don’t care who you are or how nice you want to be. Your body is relaxed during sleep and will not care about the niceties of society. Almost everyone drops a gassy bomb during sleep. Oh, we’re sure most don’t mean to. But guess what? It happens. I don’t care how beautiful the woman or how gentlemanly the man, what you ate dictates the odors of the night. You had chili for dinner? You’re in for some fireworks. Oh, she’s lactose intolerant and she ate ice cream for dessert? Smelly city! And your blankets behave as they should. They hold the heat/odor in like Gore-Tex on body heat. Maybe your hubby tries to be slick and squeeze out a silent one when you are in the restroom brushing your teeth. Guess what? You dive headfirst into it when you get in the bed.

On another note, sometimes people talk in their sleep. It might be a mumble here or there. Or it might be a full blown conversation done in ventriloquist voice. Now that’s scary! Maybe he snores like 6 pigs. Maybe she clicks her teeth. Noises usually mean you won’t be getting any good sleep.

3.     The interrupt: Have you ever been in a good sleep and had someone wake you with something stupid? It happens to me about 3 or 4 times per week. Men often have this problem with their women more than women have it with their men. That is annoying as ever! For fear of swift reprisal I won’t go too much into detail about my mate’s habit. Let’s just say that it’s annoying and leave it at that.

4.     The “Jimmy Legs”: There was a funny episode of Seinfeld that spoke on this very issue. Nevertheless, it’s true. Some people kick like soccer players when they sleep. I actually got kicked in the privates one time. Needless to say my lover didn’t need an alarm clock. My painful yell was enough to wake the whole neighborhood. Some people have the “Jimmies” in their arms. They swing and slap wildly. And if you ask them about it the next day, they have no recollection. Weird.

5.     The Stinky Morning Kiss: You can brush your teeth like a champ 15 times per day. But no matter what you do, your breath will stink in the morning. People relentlessly seek affection during that time, completely ignoring the fact that their breath smells like dumpster juice. I don’t know about you but I just want the ability to wake up and go brush before I give affection. Some people will say that they don’t care. They can tolerate it. But those are the same people that will enter the bathroom while their significant other is dropping a deuce. I refuse to be one of those people.

No disrespect to my woman but I really believe that it’s time to consider separate beds. It’s a huge fantasy that I have. Uninterrupted and wonderful sleep. That’s all that I want. I know it's not the best way to make your wife love you but sleep is so important. But who am I kidding? Even if I had the courage to approach my lover with this request (which I don’t) she’d never cosign such an arrangement. To her it goes against the very institution of marriage. Oh well…. I can dream, right?   

Monday, December 29, 2014

5 Reasons Not To Base Your Relationship On Money

When it comes to relationships many people have different opinions about the qualities they want in a mate. Some want a lover with a nice athletic figure. Some want long hair. Others want intelligence. Choosing a mate is almost like going to a computer screen and constructing the perfect mate ala “Weird Science”. You pick the pieces you want and the others you discard.

But some people choose mates on a different level. They don’t choose according to personal qualities. Instead they choose according to profession and financial status.
Is this wrong? What’s the problem with wanting a man or woman that can provide for you? With all of the financial issues that can arise, isn’t it wise to choose someone that can make your life a little easier?

The answer to that is yes and no. While everyone wants a financially responsible partner, some people sacrifice their bodies for the sole purpose of finance. They put no value on the character of a person. Instead, money becomes the only motivation in selecting their mate.

Here are 5 Reasons not to date based on money:

1.     You will most definitely be controlled: Not everyone puts a premium on love. Some of us try to love based on emotion with a reasonable mixture of facts and common sense. But chances are, if you meet a person that has a lot of money, they know it. And they know that you know it. And once they’ve determined that your main goal is their bank account you’ll be at their mercy. There’s very little freedom in taking handouts. Whether it’s an extravagant trip or some shiny diamonds, once you become accustomed to accepting gifts you almost become a slave. Make the person angry and they’ll almost certainly withhold that money. You lose your independence and self-respect, which reduces you to a step above “house pet”.

2.     You will ultimately be judged on your character: Like it or not, beauty doesn’t last. That is a hardcore fact of life. So maybe your beauty attracted the attention of a certain person you know to have money. With women beauty tends to last from ages 19-35. Unless you’re a supermodel, your beauty will probably decline from that moment. What do you think you’ll be judged on once that beauty is diminished? You’ll be judged on the content of your character. And if you put money above all things, maybe your mate will be aware of that. And that means you probably won’t be with that person for very long.

3.     You are devaluing yourself: The adult industry is filled with individuals that were lured by the possibility of making a lot of money. But think about this. What makes the average woman different than those stars? I’ll tell you. Character and self-respect. So if you go into a relationship with money being your primary motivator, what profession do you think you will be holding? There’s a name for that profession and like it or not, if you’re not looking at the character of the person and the only attraction to that individual is their bank account, that’s exactly the type of job you have.

4.     Money tends to amplify your problems: Most people think that money is the solution to all of their issues in life. Some people will say, “I can’t pay my bills. If I had money I would be happier.” They never realize that the issue isn’t money. Instead, the issue is the fact that they never learned RESPONSIBILITY. Having money may fix your problems temporarily. But you may be setting yourself up for much bigger issues.

5.     Average people tend to be happier: Have you ever noticed how happy an average person is? They have fun and party. They have a few issues but for the most part they’re out enjoying life. Not a care in the world. On the other hand have you noticed wealthy people on TV? They seem seriously annoyed or bored. What joys are there to be had when you can buy everything you want at will? Life is sweeter when effort is exerted to gain your achievements.

We all want a responsible person to be in a relationship with. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, having financial responsibility on your list of desirable qualities in finding a mate isn’t wrong. It all depends on how high up that list you allow money to climb. Is it number 4 or number 1? And is it the only number on your list? Choose wisely. Just as you shouldn't love too fast, you should love yourself more.