Have you ever watched one of those old television shows on TV Land and you see the husband and wife sleeping in different beds? As a child I was always fascinated with this situation. I found it quite odd that a married couple would sleep in different beds because my mother and father had no qualms with showing their 5 children that they slept together. There were numerous times I burst into my parents’ room unannounced to find my father buried beneath the blankets. And my mother, on most occasions, would be buried in her latest romance novel with her reading glasses perched upon her nose like a boring third grade teacher.
As time went on I began to subscribe to the theory that most people did. Old television shows were censored because of the low tolerance for sex on impressionable minds. That is the reason most married people slept in different beds on TV. It was stupid, but I accepted those times as being the age of stupid restrictions and left it at that.
But as time progressed and I got older my perception on sleep evolved. I became a 2 bed advocate. What changed my mind? Instead of being alone in a soft quiet space to sleep, my life is dominated by noisy children, a mate, and the immovable presence of the annoying alarm clock. Add to that my smartphone, a television, and you have a situation that includes very little sleep.
It pains me to say this and I’m sure if my mate ever reads this she’ll be furious but….. Sleeping alone in your own bed is drastically better than sleeping with someone else. I mean, it’s not even close! Don’t go calling me retro and thinking I believe in censorship. That couldn’t be further from the truth. But I now believe that those old shows had the right idea. Censorship sucks, but good sleep is awesome!
Here are the Top 5 Reasons to Kick Your Lover out of Bed:
1. You get more space and blanket ownership: Most people have large sized beds to avoid this problem and guess what? It still doesn’t work. Somehow your mate will find a way to inch closer to your side. Oh, they’ll tell you it’s affection but the truth is they are wild sleepers and enjoy invading more than sharing. Sometimes you’ll get slapped across the face. Sometimes you’ll wake up with sharp pain in your ribcage (due to the sharp elbow that was thrown at 2am). And blankets? Don’t get me started. No matter how large your comforter or blanket is, someone will always end up with more. Who knows? Maybe you’re the culprit who doesn’t care if your lover freezes their hind parts off. Maybe you and your lover will start out the night sharing the sheet and blanket in equal amounts and then ultimately the linen ends up on the floor with both of you missing out. This one is very annoying folks.
2. Sounds, odors, and etiquette: I don’t care who you are or how nice you want to be. Your body is relaxed during sleep and will not care about the niceties of society. Almost everyone drops a gassy bomb during sleep. Oh, we’re sure most don’t mean to. But guess what? It happens. I don’t care how beautiful the woman or how gentlemanly the man, what you ate dictates the odors of the night. You had chili for dinner? You’re in for some fireworks. Oh, she’s lactose intolerant and she ate ice cream for dessert? Smelly city! And your blankets behave as they should. They hold the heat/odor in like Gore-Tex on body heat. Maybe your hubby tries to be slick and squeeze out a silent one when you are in the restroom brushing your teeth. Guess what? You dive headfirst into it when you get in the bed.
On another note, sometimes people talk in their sleep. It might be a mumble here or there. Or it might be a full blown conversation done in ventriloquist voice. Now that’s scary! Maybe he snores like 6 pigs. Maybe she clicks her teeth. Noises usually mean you won’t be getting any good sleep.
3. The interrupt: Have you ever been in a good sleep and had someone wake you with something stupid? It happens to me about 3 or 4 times per week. Men often have this problem with their women more than women have it with their men. That is annoying as ever! For fear of swift reprisal I won’t go too much into detail about my mate’s habit. Let’s just say that it’s annoying and leave it at that.
4. The “Jimmy Legs”: There was a funny episode of Seinfeld that spoke on this very issue. Nevertheless, it’s true. Some people kick like soccer players when they sleep. I actually got kicked in the privates one time. Needless to say my lover didn’t need an alarm clock. My painful yell was enough to wake the whole neighborhood. Some people have the “Jimmies” in their arms. They swing and slap wildly. And if you ask them about it the next day, they have no recollection. Weird.
5. The Stinky Morning Kiss: You can brush your teeth like a champ 15 times per day. But no matter what you do, your breath will stink in the morning. People relentlessly seek affection during that time, completely ignoring the fact that their breath smells like dumpster juice. I don’t know about you but I just want the ability to wake up and go brush before I give affection. Some people will say that they don’t care. They can tolerate it. But those are the same people that will enter the bathroom while their significant other is dropping a deuce. I refuse to be one of those people.
No disrespect to my woman but I really believe that it’s time to consider separate beds. It’s a huge fantasy that I have. Uninterrupted and wonderful sleep. That’s all that I want. I know it's not the best way to make your wife love you but sleep is so important. But who am I kidding? Even if I had the courage to approach my lover with this request (which I don’t) she’d never cosign such an arrangement. To her it goes against the very institution of marriage. Oh well…. I can dream, right?