Monday, September 8, 2014

5 Ways to Handle an Interracial Hater

If you’re in an interracial relationship you know a thing or two about forgiveness. The world basically judges you from the time you leave your front door until you climb into your bed at night. And it’s too much for you to hate the whole world and so, you forgive. Oh, it’s not the in-your-face judgments that give you the hardest time. An interracial couple can actually deal with those on a pretty easy level. Being told about another person’s belief that you should stick with your own kind is easy to deal with in that you know to immediately terminate all contact with said idiot. The road that has a danger sign is easy to avoid.

But the road that has no signs or warnings is far more dangerous. It’s as though you’re walking along and minding your business when you’re suddenly smashed in the head with a giant anvil of racism. The closet bigot is more dangerous to you. If you have a supervisor at work that smiles in your face but is actively preventing you from being promoted behind the scenes; that can hurt your entire family. It’s the act of hiding behind the veil of acceptance that can absolutely destroy lives. Just look at what’s going on in the professional sports world.

But what should you do if you encounter this type of thing in your lover’s family? How do you get past that? What are the politics involved in discovering that someone who presented themselves as completely accepting of your relationship, but ultimately turning out to be spreading venom and hate to all of the other members? How do you handle the initial discovery? Should you forgive or should you hold them in a permanent light of skepticism?
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Here are 5 Ways to Handle an Interracial Hater in your lover’s family:

1.       Engage through proxy: You may be as angry as a rabid dog when you find out that someone has been slandering you. Your first impulse may be to directly confront the gossiper and give him/her a piece of your mind. Big mistake. First off, families are like society in general. Not all members share the same beliefs. You have a better chance of swaying all doubters and cleaning up whatever poison the individual has said through demonstrated positive behavior. Don’t engage the individual. Instead, have your lover approach the person and inform them that you both are aware of what has been said and that you want them to stop. But it’s your lover’s family so only your lover can do this. If you do it things will probably not turn out well. Surely arguing will ensue. You’ll risk alienating yourself and providing the hater a level of support to the rumors (I told you so).

2.       Maintain who you are: You haven’t been welcomed into the family as a member so ruining your chances of ever being accepted as a normal member is very easy. Be aware of the things the hater has said about you but don’t let it affect who you are. Continue to show up with a smile. Continue to engage everyone in conversation, and I do mean EVERYONE. Yes, even the hater. Show that person that your world is bigger than is small opinions. If he/she affects who you are with some unfounded lie, who really wins? Stay focused on the happiness of your relationship and those people who support you. Those that don’t will eventually come along when they see how much you are in love.
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3.       Don’t attack your lover: Chances are that your lover is EXTREMELY embarrassed. No one wants to have members of their family classified as bigots. Believe me, your lover is probably more angry than you are. But don’t attack your lover. It’s not their fault. Every family has an idiot or two that will only be revealed when the right amount of light and a splash of water are thrown on them (lol). Instead, show your lover your intelligence and tolerance level. Don’t completely bash the family member that’s the hater because he or she may be deeply loved by your lover. It’s family. And no matter what, they will always forgive.

4.       Forgive but don’t forget:  How can you be in an interracial relationship and not understand this? You have to forgive. That’s the motto of the average interracial couple. But that doesn’t mean you have to be a complete idiot about it. This individual may have said some very hurtful stuff. But forgive. It will add two pounds of respect to every family member and your lover will love you even deeper for it. Forgive. But don’t forget. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. No bigot has ever been accused of a one sentence infraction. Bigotry is a lifestyle. And chances are pretty strong that they’ll step on your toes again. Be vigilant.

5.        Allow yourself to be angry and then… let it go: Don’t walk around pretending you’re not angry. I have friends that don’t know how to manage their anger. They’ll be offended and instead of dealing with that anger in a healthy way they’ll walk around with the “Viagra Man” smile on their face. Don’t do that. The anger has to go somewhere. Vent to your lover. Tell your friends. And then… Let it go. Everyone is entitled to a mistake or two. And at the end of the day, the hater doesn’t live in your house or sit at your dining room table every day. Get over it. Let it go. Life is much too short to give someone that much power.

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While love is difficult and family politics can be worse than a presidential election, we all have to go through it. You’re not only hoping to marry your lover, you’re going to be marrying your lover’s family to a certain degree. Fight the battles that need to be fought. Stand up for your love and your lover. Sure it’ll rain. But don’t forget to walk in the rain and stick out your tongue from time to time. No one can ruin your day without your permission. 

Sunday, September 7, 2014

When Your Lover's Style Is Bad

Sometimes we all need a little help. Whether it’s with something as normal as homework, a difficult project at your job or in a day to day relationship, no one is exempt from the occasional helping hand.
But what do you do when you lover makes some serious fashion mistakes? You don’t want to hurt his or her feelings but hanging out with that individual is risky. You don’t know if she’ll show up looking like a reasonable friend or one of the witches from your rowdy Halloween party. You don’t know if he’ll show up looking like that nice dish you first met or if you’ll catch him in the middle of an increasingly smaller wash cycle (wasn’t he wearing those clothes the last time you saw him).
Image courtesy of Ambro at
To be fair no one can dress like they’re on a fashion runway all of the time. I can’t even afford to dress like that above 30% of the time. I probably fall into that category with every other male in the world; you look good to get the girl and then you gradually pull back to a bit of normalcy as time goes on. But make no mistake about it. When it’s time to go out for a night on the town or when I’m going to an event, I know how to get in character.

And that’s really what the situation is about, right? We’re trying to get everyone to know the difference between the living room and attending an opera. Some people have lost all sense of when to get dressed up for a formal event, a night at the club, or sitting at home on the sofa.

But being in a relationship with someone with no fashion sense is scary. If you mention it in the wrong way, you’ll be accused of not respecting them and will spend many hours trying to clean up their feelings. The situation is a little bit like approaching your wife about all of those pounds she’s put on. She’ll accuse you of putting her down and not being happy with who she is. Never mind the fact that SHE ISN’T WHO SHE WAS. No matter how much you love someone it’s hard to address certain topics. And telling someone that they need help dressing themselves ranks pretty high on one of the most uncomfortable subjects to have with your significant other. 

And that’s why we’ve decided to have this discussion. For the next few posts we will go over the Fashion dos and don’ts in detail and find workable inexpensive solutions to addressing this issue.
Today I got the people over at Pocket Deals Xchange, a low budget yet classy fashion solution for women, to give me a hand with creating this list. They seem to know a lot about fashion challenges with women and can offer a great deal of insight. Are you ready? Let’s go!

1.       What are some of the biggest mistakes made by women when it comes to fashion?
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at   One of the most common mistakes we see women make is not taking the time to look in the mirror. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. It only takes a few seconds. Most of your errors can be caught within those few seconds. The mirror is the place where your common sense thinking kicks in. Are you showing too much cleavage? Does your lipstick look like kindergarten face paint? Is your belly sticking out too much with that shirt you’ve had for over 3 years? You’d be surprised but common sense thinking and the mirror go hand in hand. It’s easier to shortchange yourself and the general public with your appearance if you’re UNAWARE. But if you’ve looked in the mirror, most times there is no way you’re going to let yourself be humiliated in public. Call the mirror your visual conscience. The human brain is funny like that sometimes.
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2.       How do you tell a woman that she can’t dress very well?  It’s a sticky situation but it needs to be done. First, you need to understand something about women. If you open your mouth to judge their fashion sense then you’d better make darn sure you have your situation in order. But let’s say that you have a point. In most cases if you’re in a relationship, honesty is best. Just tell her. Don’t totally crush her feelings in the process but be positive about the situation. Purchase a few gift certificates at your favorite shop and assign her a fashion consultant for a day. No person, man or woman, will turn down money contributed to their shopping budget. If your fashion sense is above average try purchasing a few items from for her.

3.       What is something very basic that every woman can do to help themselves with fashion? For every woman in the world that’s reading this article. There is something you can do that is so simple and will ultimately help you with your fashion problem. Go into your closet. Everything that is beyond 14 months old, trash it. Actually we’re not big on waste so try to donate it if possible. There are far too many people that could use the clothing in this world. But get rid of everything that was purchased beyond 14 months. That will force you to shop. We’re all human. We learn subliminally. By going to your local shops and shopping at you’ll be seeing the way the fashion world is moving and you’ll be in the know.

I hope our readers learned a lot today. On the next post we’ll tackle the men and bring in a fashion company to assist us in helping them move away from those old clothes and into the real world. Thanks for reading!