Tuesday, May 12, 2015

5 Ways To Keep your Mother-In-Law Out of Your House

Sooner or later you’re going to encounter a problem with your significant other’s family member. Sometimes the issue is a small one that can be solved with a quick conversation. Other times may require a more “meeting of the minds” approach involving you, your significant other, and the family member. Hey, things happen. It’s better to talk it through in most cases. Life is too short to be angry at someone.
But what if you’ve exhausted all options and no matter what you do, you can’t fix the problem. In other words, what if you hate that person’s guts? And what if that person happens to be the mother of your significant other? How do you navigate such an issue?
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You can have a conversation with your lover and inform them of your displeasure with their mother but you’re probably wasting your time. He or she will probably give you the pep talk about “trying” and “forgiving”. But in the end you already know what the outcome will be. You hate her guts.

And we’ll take things a step further…

What if she hates your guts equally? What if she antagonizes you with nonstop visits to your place and refuses to leave? What if she is constantly bringing up old boyfriends/girlfriends and how she thinks that other person you could’ve dated is doing fine? What if she squats on your career? What if when you open a door, she closes it? What if she eats all of your food? What if she insists on cooking when visiting your house and then complains about the lack of ingredients? What if she throws out all of the beer in the fridge to make room for her favorite juices?

Are you getting the point? What if she just won’t go away? Many people will say that your lover should put his/her mother in her place. But we all know that almost every child on earth has a healthy fear/respect for their parent. So putting them in check will almost never happen.
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So what do you do? How do you get rid of her without breaking your lover’s heart?

Here’s 5 Mean Ways to Get Rid of your Mother-in-Law:

1.     Leave her in your home alone:  Tell her that you and your lover have some errands to run. Leave. But leave for a very long time. As a matter of fact, don’t come home until 12am. Do it for multiple days. This will aggravate the heck out of her.

2.     Don’t grocery shop: Leave exactly one beer and a box of baking soda in your refrigerator. Don’t grocery shop. She’ll either do some shopping or she’ll order takeout. Her opinion of you may be damaged severely but she probably hates you anyway so it’s not going to make it any worse.

3.     Make love loudly: Don’t give her your normal every day sounds. We’re talking Bose Sound Quality here. Boost it up. The dirtier the better. While most parents avoid the thoughts of what their child may be doing in a marriage, few actually have the sound effects to go along with it.
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4.     Gas her up: I don’t care who you are. Flatulence is gross and no one ever gets used to it. For those of us who have manners, we know how to mask our outbursts without anyone being the wiser. We go off alone or to the restroom. But we’re talking about your mother-in-law here. You want to make it so uncomfortable for her that she will leave and return to her cave. Go out and purchase a large can of beans and eat to your heart’s content. Next, sit in her presence and let go in all of your disgusting glory. No one can take that.

5.     Play loud music: This works wonders for getting rid of people. Anyone can tolerate a loud song or two. But go strong with it. Blast it all day and night. It doesn’t matter if your neighbors complain. Your goal is to get rid of your in-law.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

5 Secrets Men Don't Tell Women

We all have secrets. There isn’t a person on earth that isn’t keeping something from somebody. There are certain truths about people that are best kept in the dark. And no matter what your lover may tell you, there is always a secret that he or she may be keeping. Love is one thing. Secrets are another. As much as you want to open the deepest part of your soul to your lover there are some things you should really just shut up about.
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Here are 5 Common Secrets that most men don’t tell their women:

1.     He keeps in contact with his ex: Most women would completely freak out if their man was talking to his ex. Surprise ladies…. Most men do. Oh it may not be something like going out or regular phone conversation. But it is more than likely an email or a Facebook thing. And guess what? He’ll usually reach out to her when he’s had an argument with you. He’ll also do it if he has one of those “Do you ever think about me” moments.
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2.     He is kinkier than you ever imagined: Many men often have two frames of thought: 1) Wifey   and  2) Slutty

That’s just how they think. Often they don’t want to get too crazy with their main woman because they have developed a foundation of respect there. But if you could dig into your husband’s mind you’d probably vomit. A male’s mind is constantly searching for sex, sex, and more sex. The nastier the more attractive.

3.     They’ve imagined sex with your friend: Women have this thing about leaving their man around their girlfriend. They don’t want to every do it. And let me tell you something ladies. That suspicion is dead on correct. Most men have not only pictured your best friend naked but have probably had a sexual fantasy about her on more than one occasion. And here’s the kicker… If they knew they could get away with it and the secret would be kept forever, they’d sleep with her in a second!

4.     They lie to you every day: That’s right ladies. Ask him if he thought about you today. He’ll say “yes” but the real answer is “no”. Ask him what he did today. He’ll say “nothing”. But what he really meant to say was “I saw this girl with a nice body today and I stared and stared”.  Lying is almost an automatic function for men. No man is exempt. Get used to it. If a man tells you he doesn’t lie, he’s lying at that moment!
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5.     They really value stupidity: Have you ever heard a man say that the only way to make him happy is to not talk too much, make a sandwich, and give him sex? Translation? He wants a dummy. He doesn’t want a woman that will challenge his requests. He doesn’t want a woman with her own set of needs that need to be fulfilled. He wants a life so simple that he can put it on autopilot with little resistance.